So, every now and then Hot Mess disappears. She doesn’t forget about you guys, not in the least. Sometimes she just can’t seem to put words together and write as easily as she can during other times. Sometimes, she gets distracted and gets caught up in things. Sometimes, she finds a bit of happiness and is so afraid that if she moves away from whatever is making her happy, she will lose the happiness. That the happiness will just vanish and she won’t be able to get it back.
Well, that’s what happened. She started to find a silver lining. The sun started to shine just a little bit brighter, she started to smile a little more, and she was laughing a whole lot. For once in her life, she felt like there were absolutely no expectations, that everything was just day to day, and that being herself, whoever that may be, was enough to get through the day. There was no fake smiles necessary. There were no obligations or expectations that she personally put on herself (as she usually does). She was just allowed to be her. She was learning that not everything needs to be planned, that sometimes you can just pick up and go because you WANT to, and leave all the things that are dragging you down, and do something that just makes you feel good. She was starting to let go of all of the racing thoughts of how her life was “supposed to be” and was instead just living day to day, not knowing where it would take her, but just know that at the end of the day, she would probably end up smiling. She would feel like she was ENOUGH. That who she was, every day, was ok. That she was really “something.” That she wasn’t the failure or the loser that she had convinced herself that she was.
Day after day, she woke up not knowing what the day would bring, where it would bring her, or where she would be at the end of the day. She didn’t know what tomorrow would bring. She was happy just knowing that she was finally starting to believe in herself. She was starting to believe that not everyone would hurt her. That she didn’t have all the answers to all the questions she had, but knew that eventually, everything would fall into place and be as it should. She didn’t need to have a blueprint. Maybe everything she had been thinking and obsessing over because she thought those were the things that would make her happy, were not the things she needed at all. She started to believe that one day at a time, one laugh at a time, one smile, was OK! She tore up all those internal blueprints and just let herself open up to new things. And she was starting to have FUN! She was beginning to see things in a whole new way.
She didn’t have any expectations anymore. She was living life moment to moment. She was starting to feel alive again. People around her were noticing the spark back in her step, the sparkle in her eye. Her smile wasn’t forced anymore. Her laugh was for real. No one expected her to be anywhere, or to do anything unless she wanted to. She wasn’t carrying 10 tons of guilt around all the time for NOT doing something or NOT being somewhere or NOT being better. Day by day. That’s how she was learning to do things. And she felt so much relief. Everything she did was from her heart and what she wanted to do.
She was learning to be happy. She was learning how to be OK with being happy. She was learning that it was ok to not have her entire life planned out and figured out right this second. That living in the moment was acceptable. She was adjusting to a new way of thinking, a new way of living. And SHE WAS HAPPY! She was starting to feel things she hadn’t felt in a really long time, contentment, comfortable, a calmness had washed over her.
What she didn’t expect was that just as she was starting to accept the feeling that happiness brought, it would be snatched away in an instant. What she didn’t realize was that living day to day meant that it could end at anytime, without warning. That it wouldn’t last forever. It never does. She had finally learned that you don’t need to have things labeled and blueprints and maps, and you could just be, when suddenly she was being told that she expected too much. How could she expect too much when she had just started to learn NOT to expect anything. She had finally let go of all of that! She had just started to really become happy! She was happy living day by day! She didn’t need anything more. But now, suddenly, she is being told that she DOES want more? How? What? Huh?!
The happiness she had started to find screeched to a grinding halt. She was more confused than ever. She had no expectations, so how could she be told that she did?
Now, here lies the Hot Mess, more confused that ever. When she had expectations, she wasn’t happy. When she didn’t have expectations, she was told that she did. WTF?! So, what does she do, because right now, she is alone, and confused, and has no idea where she is, where she is going, what happiness is, what happiness isn’t, what life is, or where her life is going. She does know that for a brief period of time, she thought she felt happiness, she thought she was going in the right direction, she thought she was learning more about herself. Yet, right now, she sits knowing even less than she did a few months ago and feels completely and totally empty because she doesn’t even have her blueprints anymore.