Hell is right here. Right here in my office, in my house, its whereever I go. I can’t escape it. Hell is not a pit of fire with the Devil waiting at the door. Hell is feeling like you are sinking into quicksand and can’t breathe. Every life line that you were holding onto is slowly breaking and you are sinking farther and farther. And then, you just explode. And you can’t control it. Even though you were sinking, you still kept you “game face” on and pretended it was ok. So now, you explode and the highs are no longer just slightly higher than normal. They are so high you feel invisible. You say things you don’t mean to say, you do things you don’t mean to do and just want to crawl out of your skin becuase you are sooooo uncomfortable it physically hurts you. You want to just peel your own skin off!!!! And there is nothing anyone can do to make it go away. Then all of a sudden, minutes later, you fall to the ground and you fall soooooo low that you can’t stop sobbing like a little girl and wishing that someone, anyone, was there to just hold you and tell you its going to be ok. But, you are alone, as you always feel. Your mind goes out of control and just start thinking the worst thoughts imaginable, and instead of you having so much energy you can’t control yourself, you are huddled in the corner of your kitchen crying thinking that just the though of standing up or moving is impossible because it hurts to much to even move. Then you start thinking all of the thoughts that landed you in the hospital 4 years ago and you begin to freak out even more. You are scared. You are alone. You don’t know what to do. You are sinking farther in that hole. The people who don’t know much about this get mad at you and turn their backs. You feel even worse because you let them into your life and then hurt them and really didn’t mean to or want to. So your head just keeps thinking tragic thought after tragic thought. Then, you hear a song or a tv show starts and suddenly, you can move again and you are laughing. And you are sitting there wanting to punch yourself if you could because you cant handle the up/down/up/down anymore. Why is it going so fast??? Why won’t it stop?? WHY CAN”T I BE NORMAL???? And then there I am, 29 years old with my parents over for the night baby-sitting me. Yup. the doctor prescribes baby-sitters. I missed one of my good friends parties because I couldn’t keep myself normal and together.
Everyone says, just be positive. Think happy thoughts. Stop being so negative. Don’t think about those things. There is only so much I can control!!!!!!!! This stuff is out of my hands!!!!! These huge extremes, I can’t deal with and I don’t know why they are coming on. Its not as easy as thinking positive. Trust me. I wish it was. I really wish it was. It would save me a hell of a lot of money and would spare so many people from getting hurt.