Where I’ve Been…. You sure you want to know?

Having bipolar sucks.  Thats all I have to say.  No matter how much you try to pretend it isn’t there because you are taking your meds and doing all you can to maintain stability.  There is always something that creeps up and literally beats you over the head and rips out your insides to the point it makes you crazy.

So, right now, here I am, completely ripped to shreds.  I thought I was rebuilding my life.  I was starting to like things again, I was being brought back to life.  I was thinking about new career paths, I was writing again.  Things were going good.  Or so I thought.

Within an instant, everything I thought was good was washed away.  The people I love most started throwing words at me that I never could have thought imaginable.  Every insecurity thrown in my face.  Every thing I thought I was making progress with down the tubes.  I found out I had been lied to.  Things I had blamed myself for and had finally just gotten over, I found out were not my fault at all.

I snapped.  I completely snapped.  All these months felt like one big lie.  Nothing I was doing was enough for anyone.  Turns out, they were just saying things to make me feel better.  A pity party.  REALLY?  I don’t need a freaking pity party.

I have never felt like more of a loser in my entire life.  I had everything going for me before.  I lost it all and was rebuilding.  I was starting to get pieces of my life back and starting to smile again.  Why now?  Why take this away now and literally knock me out?

I have sat here the last 2 days, physically unable to move because everything hurts, wondering why I am going to even try to rebuild again when everytime I rebuild, the ones I love the most tear me apart and rip me down.  Is it even worth it anymore?  My hypomania got triggered and shit just hits the fan and I’m done.

Really. I am done.  I sat here for 2 days hating myself over and over again for hurting the ones I love in a fit of hypomania.  Yet, the hypomania was triggered by them.  Am I ALWAYS the one at fault, or don’t other people have to take responsibility for their parts in things or their actions too?   Why is it always my fault?  Is it just easier to blame the girl with the mental illness?  I think so.  I’ve become a scapegoat.

Some say they tell me those things to make me stronger because I am weak.  If you have a broken arm and you keep punching the break before its healed, does it make it stronger?  Someone has to heal before they can get stronger.

So, I have literally locked myself away from everyone and everything.  My body physically hurts so much I can’t move.  Internally, I can’t stop the pain and the tears. All I can do is sleep right now.  I don’t know what else to do.  I have never felt like this before.  I would go to the hospital, but all they are going to do is put me on meds to make me sleep and feed me disgusting food to make me gain weight.  I don’t need another hospitalization.

All I need is love.  And why do the ones who say they love me choose to make me feel the worst about everything?  I literally just want someone to hold me and let me cry and tell me that I am going to be ok instead of throwing insult after insult at me and telling me everything I do wrong and blaming everything on me.

So I’ve been holed away in a room that isn’t mine, a bed that isn’t mine clinging to the hope that I might just make it through this, but also thinking that ending it all would be so much easier for not just me, but then I wouldn’t be causing anyone else grief and they wouldn’t have to worry about me.  But then I think that somehow they would bad mouth me the whole time and somehow that would be an inconvenience too, so I’m stuck.

I’m stuck never wanting to love a single soul again and just being alone because alone, I can’t hurt anyone but myself.  I’m so tired of being lied to when I’m nothing but honest.  I’m tired of being blamed for everything.  Alone, I am only responsible for myself.  Right?   So, off I go.

No more hurting anyone or pissing anyone off.

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Christi

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2 Comments

  1. We always come back. Eventually the Feelings go away. It may take awhile, but we make it through. I keep telling myself its gonna b ok just not today. We will all b ok (later).

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