They are liars. Yes folks. They lie there. They make these movies and make these characters that are just too perfect. Then, we watch these movies and when our life doesn’t compare to the perfection in their movies, we are miserable. Hollywood makes us miserable because we are trying to attain the illusions they put in front of us. Thats all they are! Illusions. The movies are supposed to make us feel good, supposed to make us laugh, and we are supposed to relate to the characters. Sure, I relate to the characters. I relate to the one that always gets the raw end of the deal, the one with the broken heart at the end, the one who ends up fighting the world on her own. I’m never the character that gets taken care of. I’m always the one taking care of everyone else. I’m not the one who gets the romantic gestures. I get ignored text messages, ignored emails, and get told to do more, be more.
I watched Love and other Drugs last night. While I don’t have Parkinson’s, I do have bipolar. I was in the hospital. I am on many medications. I have good days and bad days. I cry a lot certain times, other times I laugh a lot. Some days, I don’t even want to get out of bed because I hate myself so much. I watched Jake Gyllenhall and sobbed. Not because the movie was sad, but because I was so mad that Hollywood would make a character like that when surely, one just doesn’t exist. I have not seen a male who would be like that with a woman who was sick. Do they really exist? Right now, I think that Hollywood is lying to us, because I haven’t seen one. I’ve always assumed that one like that doesn’t exist. Even in my darkest days and the worst of the worst, I’m expected to still go to work, come home, make dinner and carry on as if I’m feeling 100%. Anytime I’m asked what is wrong, if my response includes anything that pertains to medication or a “cycle”, its treated as if I’m making it up and then the attitude of annoyance lingers the rest of the night. I didn’t see any of that happening in that movie.
While I know that Hollywood makes these characters to draw us in, and that they don’t really exist, I still can’t help but be sad that a person like that doesn’t exist. It doesn’t seem like that would be asking too much of anyone to have a heart like that, but in this day, it unfortunately is. If there is such a person, or one even close, then perhaps I’m wrong. I just have never met one.
I will say this though, I’m tired of taking care of everyone and trying to keep myself on the right track. I mean, physically and mentally. I wish there was someone to help take care of me. I need someone to help take care of me. My energy and drive for it, is all gone. The expectations of having to carry on like “business as usual” when I am feeling my worst and to make sure that everything to further everyone else’s goals is now too heavy. Flying on someone else’s coat tails with all of my energy focused and everything I do directed toward others successes and less and less for any of mine has drained me. With the end result at the end of the day being making sure that everyone else is happy and not complaining and one step closer to their goals, and mine are pushed farther and farther away and left in the dust. When people tell you that all they ever see and hear about is how you have taken your life and are living it based on other goals and dreams and that anything you have wanted to pursue has been sacrificed, how do you answer? Especially when you don’t feel deserving of any of it. How do you accept that people tell you there are other Jake Gyllenhals out there and that I don’t have to sacrifice everything for everyone around me? How can I accept that I have been making myself sicker because of all the situations that I have put myself in? That Hollywood isn’t really too far off, but some of us just need the courage to believe in ourselves and believe that we don’t HAVE to carry the problems of everyone we know on our shoulders and that those that love us should be supportive of us, appreciative of us, and should take us and our goals into consideration as well (and not just into consideration on what we can do for them).
This is all probably just babble, but I found this post and it had been written a few years ago and I never posted it. But, why not post it. I had a rude awakening on Friday and Yesterday presented more confirmation of that awakening. *sigh* Sometimes The Bipolar Hot Mess doesn’t have all the answers. Sometimes she GIVES the best advice, but doesn’t listen to any of it for herself. Who knows what tomorrow shall bring. All we can do is hope, pray, and wait.